Here at Refinery29, we don't believe that any approach to sex is one-size-fits-all. Different techniques work for different people (with different partners, and at different times). That said, we have collected quite a few tried-and-tested tips that sex therapists, sex toy experts, and sex-having people swear can help you reach orgasm (and maybe even orgasms). No, orgasm isn't the be-all-end-all of sex, but it's part of the gamut of sexual experience, and a pretty great one at that.
Unfortunately, the orgasm gap is alive and well, and far fewer women than men are reaching climax on a regular basis. It's true that there are many reasons behind this inequity, from inadequate sex ed to continued, society-wide disregard for women's sexual satisfaction. To the extent that you can take action to experience the pleasure you'd like, though, you deserve to. That's why we're collecting some of our best tips for achieving orgasm here. Click through to review some you may know and discover others you may not have heard, and check back as we continue to add to the list.
Take your time.
Take it slow, and try putting your mind at ease.
It’s been suggested before that feeling safe and relaxed is an important part of achieving an orgasm. A 2006 study, published in the European Journal of Neuroscience, found some evidence that in women, the hippocampus and amygdala parts of the brain — which are associated with emotions like fear and anxiety — showed decreased activity during sex, but before orgasm. In other words, once fear and anxiety go out the window, you might find it easier to get an orgasm.
In addition to a safe situation, you also want to don't to rush it. Cheri Travis, MAEd, a licensed professional psychotherapist once told us that putting down your vibrator and getting your brain involved is the first step. Fantasize about someone you’ve had your eye on, and focus on that feeling, paying attention to how your body reacts. Do your best to relax, and rid yourself of distractions, and then you can get whatever kind of physical stimulation you like involved (whether that's your vibrator or your partner or both). The key is to be in the present moment.
Photographed By Natalia Mantini.
Go back to school.
There are more online courses on orgasm than ever before, and it might be time to find one that works for you. We can vouch for sex therapist Vanessa Marin’s Finishing School, a comprehensive class designed to guide you to your first orgasms, alone and with a partner. In taking it, "You’ll banish those destructive internal monologues, you’ll learn what your body actually needs to reach orgasm, and you’ll have fun doing it," Marin writes. "Because seriously, orgasm should be fun." We agree.
We’re also fans of the orgasm-training website OMGYES, which crowdsourced insight from over 2,000 women to bring you tried-and-true techniques with step-by-step instructions. For a different approach, check out Orgasmic Meditation (OM), which teaches "a 15-minute partnered consciousness practice where one partner strokes the other one's clitoris for 15 minutes with no goal other than to feel and be present." OM offers a free introductory module and a paid eight-day starter program on its website; both will give you new tricks to try with a partner or partners.
Photographed By Natalia Mantini.
Easy on the clitoris.
The clitoris is a highly sensitive little organ: It has at least 8,000 nerve endings to the penis's 4,000, and these 8,000 interact with up to 15,000 additional nerve endings throughout the pelvis. While we're grateful for every one of 'em, we're also aware that clitoral over stimulation can jeopardize our ability to achieve a second (or even first) orgasm. Touching the clit directly on its head can be borderline painful and force you to pause the action before you're ready, so try stroking (rather than rubbing) the hood or the side, or even stimulating it through underwear if it's particularly sensitive. Then, switch it up: have your partner lick and suck your clit; gently massage and squeeze the labia; insert a few fingers if you're into penetration; then return to clitoral stimulation. This rotation will help you continue to build toward climax without sending your clit into unresponsive overdrive.
Photographed By Natalia Mantini.
Warm up with a pelvic workout.
This tip comes from Zoë Ligon, founder and CEO of sex toy retailer Spectrum Boutique and proponent of pre-sex Kegels. "I sometimes have a hard time feeling physically aroused even if I am mentally aroused," she shared with us. "If I know I'll be hooking up with my partner shortly, I'll do pelvic floor exercises beforehand... Not only does it strengthen your PC muscle in the long run (the same muscle that contracts during orgasm), it also gets blood flowing to the genitals, which increases sensitivity." Think of this as your sexual warm-up lap.
Photographed By Natalia Mantini.
Your G-spot could be the key.
I once interviewed a woman who, at 26 years old, had never had an orgasm — either alone or with a partner. She knew that "sexual repression" wasn't the cause: "It became a really loaded thing for me because I felt like something was wrong with me, and I felt like my body just wasn’t capable of orgasm," she told me. "The other thing that really drove me insane is everyone was like, 'Oh, it’s because you’re not emotionally available — it’s your fault because you’re disconnected.' I actually feel more like myself when I’m having sex than at any other time!"
She proved these accusers wrong while hooking up with a casual acquaintance whose fingering technique brought her to orgasm, not once, but three times in a row. "It turns out that this very specific thing makes me squirt," she explained. "Someone has to press on my stomach really hard and finger me really hard, and they have to be sitting up while I’m lying down. I don’t have to be psychologically connected at all — it’s very technical!" Try come-hither fingering moves or sex toys tailored to stimulate those sensitive tissues on the front wall of your vagina.
Photographed By Natalia Mantini.
Don't discount the power of anal pleasure.
Contrary to (a somewhat) popular belief, anal intercourse can be immensely pleasurable for both the giver and the receiver — and some women swear by the combination of anal and clitoral stimulation. Perhaps the most important step in trying anal play is to prepare yourself mentally. "If you think anal sex is going to hurt, you prepare for that, tighten up in fear, and it does," sex psychologist David Ley, PhD, told us. "If you prepare to enjoy it, negotiate it, prepare your body for it, and discuss ways to manage the experience, then discomfort is absent or greatly lessened." And besides, many women describe any pain that comes from anal sex as the "good" or pleasurable kind — the kind that enhances rather than detracts from pleasure.
Photographed By Natalia Mantini.
Treat yourself (to a new toy).
"Masturbation is a huge part of overall wellness, and it’s a healthy expression of a person’s sexuality," Tristan Weedmark, We-Vibe's "Global Passion Ambassador," told Refinery29. "It's the best way to find out what brings you pleasure, which makes you a better sexual partner" — and the majority of women in a recent survey by We-Vibe identified using a toy as the "the best way to spice up" their masturbation routines. Peruse our pleasure-product picks here, but also consider visiting a brick-and-mortar sex toy retailer to speak with an experienced employee about what might be the best toy(s) for you.
Photographed By Natalia Mantini.
Lube lube lube lube lube.
You've heard it before and we're (anal) plugging it again: Lube is one of the single easiest ways to transform your experience of sex. What you may not know is how much lube can improve solo sex. The next time you masturbate, apply a pea-sized drop of lube or stimulating gel to your clit and observe the difference. This can be especially helpful if your clit tends to feel overly sensitive after you've been masturbating for a while but before you've had an orgasm; the lube creates a thin barrier between clit and fingers or toy and makes the stimulation less direct.
Photographed By Natalia Mantini.Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?
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