Here’s the thing: I’m not anti-love, nor am I anti-romance. I actually not-so-secretly love reading those 99-cent contemporary romance novels you can buy in the Kindle store on Amazon. I even wrote a slideshow about them. Nevertheless, I can’t stand Valentine’s Day. There’s just so much pressure placed on this one day in February for people in relationships to rise to an arbitrary occasion and prove their everlasting love for one another with hearts, flowers, poems, jewelry, and reservations at extremely crowded restaurants. I know, there’s some mumbo jumbo about Saint Valentine to give it a backstory, but that’s been completely obliterated by marketers at this point. You know it’s true.I also hate the fact that Valentine’s Day has become so overly hyped by advertisers — our capitalist overlords will take any opportunity to shill to us, really — that single people think they’re supposed to feel bad about themselves because they’re not in a relationship on February 14. If you’re reading this and you’re single, please don’t let this happen to you. Again, it’s a random day in the middle of February, and a bunch of greeting card companies, chocolatiers, and florists hawking specials shouldn’t interfere with your self-worth. You know what my favorite part of Valentine’s Day is? When all that candy goes on sale February 15. I feel this way regardless of my relationship status on the actual "holiday."
Since the blessed occasion (not) falls on a Sunday this year, we decided to design what we’re calling “The Ultimate Pop Culture Love’s-a-Bitch Valentine’s Day Plan.” It’s roughly 48 hours of nonstop programming for all the V-Day haters, commiserators, and non-daters. You don’t have to watch everything on the agenda, and you can actually participate no matter what your relationship status. Our main promise is that you won’t find any sappy love stories, improbable rom-coms, or undying declarations of soul-mate status.
Get ready for two full days of strong, fierce women, epic battles, heady mysteries, and a few necessary comedy breaks for when things have gotten too serious. Pour yourself some wine and settle back, cause it’s time to Netflix and swill.
WARNING: Some Game of Thrones spoilers lie within.
Game of Thrones: “Blackwater” (2012)
Season 2, Episode 9
Let the war you’re waging against Valentine’s Day commence with the glorious, fiery green battle for King’s Landing.
Total time: 1 hour
Watch it: HBO Go
Game of Thrones: “And Now His Watch Is Ended” (2013)
Season 3, Episode 4
Daenerys has her dragons torch the vile slave masters of Meereen and then stands there stoically as the city burns to the ground behind her.
Total time: 1 hour
Watch it: HBO Go
Game of Thrones: “The Rains of Castamere” (2013)
Season 3, Episode 9
The Red Wedding should help remind you that love is an illusion and really, we’re just all on a slow march toward death. I mean, think happy thoughts!
Total time: 1 hour
Watch it: HBO Go
Battle Royale (2000)
Think of this Japanese movie as the OG Hunger Games, except it's even more merciless and has nary a love triangle or flashy costume. All you’ll find is kids being transported to a deserted island and told the only way to make it off is to be the last one alive.
Total time: 2 hours
Watch it: Netflix
Making a Murderer (2015)
If you didn’t binge-watch this illuminating — and haunting — docuseries about a murder trial in Wisconsin gone wrong when it hit Netflix in December, now’s the perfect time to do it.
Total time: 10 hours
Watch it: Netflix
The Shining (1980)
Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation of Stephen King’s chilling novel takes you to an isolated hotel in Colorado, where Jack (Jack Nicholson) and Wendy (Shelley Duvall) Torrance are holing up with their son Danny (Danny Lloyd) for the winter. Jack plans to use the time to write while the family takes care of the hotel in exchange for their living quarters — but things take a dark, dark turn very quickly.
Total time: 2 hours, 30 minutes
Watch it: Netflix
Parks and Recreation: “The Comeback Kid” (2012)
Season 4, Episode 11
Palate cleanser time! This episode of Amy Poehler’s charming little sitcom-that-could about municipal government provides some of the best physical comedy seen in recent years. Get on your feet (and then get ready to fall right back down).
Total time: 30 minutes
Watch it: Netflix
Y Tu Mamá También (2001)
Listen, just because you’re not on board with the whole idea of one epic day of courtly love doesn’t mean you don’t want to see a hot threesome with an older woman and two confused teenage boys trying to find their place in the world. I assume I have your attention.
Total time: 1 hour, 45 minutes
Watch it: Netflix
Kill Bill: Volume 1 (2003)
A vengeful bride. Extreme violence. There’s nothing even remotely warm and fuzzy about this Tarantino flick.
Total time: 1 hour, 50 minutes
Watch it: Netflix
Kill Bill: Volume 2 (2004)
Yep, you’re going for the double header today. The Bride returns to track down the last three people on her list. I mean, she’s gotta kill Bill. It’s right there in the title.
Total time: 2 hours, 20 minutes
Watch it: Netflix
Summer Heights High (2007)
It’s time for another comedy break. If you’ve never watched Chris Lilley’s ingenious mockumentary about an Australian high school, it’s officially time. Lilley plays three different characters in the hilarious send-up of public high school life: Mr. G, the school’s flamboyant Director of Performing Arts; a private school exchange student named Ja’mie; and a Tongan boy named Jonah.
Total time: 4 hours
Watch it: HBO Go
Revolutionary Road (2008)
Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio may have fallen in love in Titanic, but there’s absolutely nothing remotely beautiful about their anti-love story in Revolutionary Road. After I watched this movie, I wondered how anyone could possibly want to get married, move to the suburbs, and even try to be happy, when what happens to Winslet and DiCaprio’s characters appears to be the obviously painful and inevitable dissolution of many, many couplings.
Total time: 2 hours
Watch it: Amazon, Google Play, iTunes
Fatal Attraction (1987)
Would you like that bunny baked or boiled? (This will make sense to you after you watch this movie.)
Total time: 2 hours
Watch it: Netflix
Planet Earth (2006)
You know what’s really beautiful? The Earth! The gorgeous, wondrous planet we inhabit that we never really stop to notice, so busy are we with our glowing screens and devices. It’s time to stop and smell the roses as you take in the majesty of the plains, oceans, and jungles. This series might be even more magical with some, um, green enhancement, if you catch my drift. (A friend told me so.)
Total time: 11 hours (or pick and choose the episodes that interest you most)
Watch it: Netflix
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
A couple is trapped in an eternal cycle in which they break up, have their memories of each other erased, re-meet, fall for one another, and break up again. Love really is a bitch, you know?
Total time: 2 hours
Watch it: Amazon, Google Play, iTunes, Starz Play
First Position (2011)
You need another palate cleanser, this time in the form of extremely talented children. First Position follows six exceptionally precocious youngsters who are all preparing for the Youth America Grand Prix ballet competition, where they hope to earn scholarships to prestigious ballet schools around the world. This documentary will inspire you to pursue a passion you’ve always thought about, but maybe put off due to a lack of time. This is your moment!
Total time: 1 hour, 35 minutes
Watch it: Netflix
The Last Five Years (2015)
Let’s end things on a slightly more optimistic — and musical — note. In this adaptation of Jason Robert Brown’s stage production, Cathy's story is told backward, while Jamie's is told forward. We watch their relationship both blossom and crumble, so it can either give you hope...or remind you once again that things fall apart, and sometimes it’s for the best. Don’t worry, the soundtrack is on Spotify, so you can listen to it on your commute when it's stuck in your head after the credits roll.
Total time: 1 hour, 35 minutes
Watch it: Netflix
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