March 14, 2016: It was a momentous day in history, a day that divided the nation, a day that threatened the very concept of justice in America. It was the day Ben chose Lauren B. over Jojo on the season finale of The Bachelor. Citizens around the country took to Twitter, Facebook, and even the streets to express their anger that bubbly, beautiful, and much better choice Jojo had been wrongfully dumped on national TV. It was a pain we all felt, and a pain we all tried to drown with copious amounts of alcohol. Or, at least, I sure did.
I raged like it wasn’t a Monday, and I smoked enough weed to send even Seth Rogen to the hospital. I awoke the next morning, hungover and dreading the pile of errands and chores that awaited me, until I realized: I didn’t have to do them. Thanks to my smartphone, it was possible to knock out my to-do list, without ever moving the hungover pile of limbs that formerly constituted my body. Is there truly, as we often say, an app for everything? I was about to find out.
And so, I began my day of phoning it in. Step one: I called in sick to work. Because I’m a freelance writer, this means I essentially had a conversation with myself in bed.
Self: “Hey Jonathan, I’m too hungover to work today.”
Higher Self: “OMG...don’t even worry about it, Jojo’s defeat on the Bachelor is a totally valid reason to not get out of bed. There are apps for everything in your life! Use them. Jojo would want you to.”
Hungover Hallucination Of Jojo: “That’s right. I trust you, and I have so much faith in you.”
Well, I certainly couldn’t let my fantasy Jojo down (I’m not Ben Higgins, that asshole). And so, empowered by Jojo's spirit, I embarked on a day-long journey to run my life completely and totally on my phone. What follows is an app-by-app breakdown of my day-long experiment — and the five apps that truly saved my ass.*
*Disclaimer: Some of the companies listed in this piece were nice enough to take pity on me and comp trials for my hungover ass. All pricing is based on standard cost for each app.
Chore: Grocery Shopping
App: Instacart
Available:In hundreds of locations across 19 states
That hungover morning, I stumbled into my bathroom, only to discover a horrific truth: I was out of Advil. Things only got worse when I realized that I was also out of my preferred breakfast cereal, Kashi Go-Lean. Cranky and hungry (crungry?), I retreated to my bed, determined to never leave again. But how to secure the groceries I so desperately needed? The thought of going anywhere near a grocery store was more than I could bear. And so...I went to my phone on Chore Mission #1: Get groceries through an app. After a little perusing, I found Instacart. Soon, I was on a veritable shopping spree, replacing my Kashi with Lucky Charms (I WAS HUNGOVER, leave me alone!), and stocking up on enough Advil and junk food to sate every hangover in the tri-state area.
The app itself is easy to use. You’re not limited to one grocery store — Instacart gives you the option to shop at any grocery store within a reasonable distance. I live in Los Angeles and I had Whole Foods, Ralphs, Gelson’s and even (gasp) Costco at my fingertips. You can order from one or multiple stores (bonus) and get it delivered within the hour. Different stores have different delivery fees, but all will give you free delivery over a certain price point. So I stocked up on 35 bucks worth of groceries from Ralphs and was munching on cereal less than an hour later — and I didn’t even need to put on shoes.
Chore: Laundry
App: Washio
Available: In 6 major U.S. cities
Next, I needed to do laundry. The pile of dirty clothes in the corner of my room was taller than Chris Hemsworth in heels. There are laundry machines in my apartment building, but today the trip down the single flight of stairs to my basement seemed like far too long a commute. Another chore for my phone! After a quick text poll of my friends, I determined that the app Washio was the best solution for my laundry needs. I went on the app and ordered.
A few hours later, a lovely person showed up on my doorstep, took my laundry and gave me a soft and delicious sugar-doodle cookie to thank me for my business. Washio will do just about every type of laundering you could possibly desire, from wash-and-fold to dry cleaning, and then bring back your clothes within 48 hours. Because of the extended turnaround time, it’s not for those of you experiencing a laundry-mergency. But if you have a few days to spare (and a few extra dollars to spend) this is the app for you. My clothes returned on time, expertly washed and folded. The somewhat pricey nature of the app initially unsoothed me ($31.84 for a 16-pound load), but after a few sugar-doodle bites, I felt restored. (Full disclosure: The way to my heart is paved with delicious cookies. They are my emotional kryptonite.)
Chore: Clean Apartment / Fix Things
App: Handy
Available: In 35 locations across the U.S., Canada, and U.K.
Next chore? The most dreaded of all: cleaning my apartment. There was much carnage in the wake of my Bachelor-viewing party: the dried carcasses of forgotten pizza slices, empty Tostitos bags sprinkled with the detritus of devoured chips, and more empty wine bottles than there are residents of Delaware. I needed to clean, but couldn’t find the strength. I could, however, find my phone. A quick perusal of the App Store brought me to Handy, an app where you can book home cleaners and handypeople who will do everything from furniture assembly to painting your house. I promptly booked a cleaner (for about $35/hour, including tip), but unfortunately no handyman could fix my hangover.
My cleaner arrived, and I was immediately struck by his physical presence: muscular, formidable, and armed with a cart filled with cleaning ammo. I knew I could trust this man to clean my house. Hell, I’d trust him to build a house. He briefly outlined his plan for dust and dirt decimation. It was at this juncture that I realized my small studio apartment might not be big enough for me and the MacGyver of housecleaning. My plan to never leave was making me a bit stir-crazy at this point anyway, so I decided to embark on a trip to my local coffee shop to give Mr. Clean his space. When I returned, my house was profoundly spotless — like, levels of clean I had previously assumed impossible.
Chore: Relaxation Therapy
App: Zeel
Available: In 21 U.S. cities and their surrounding metro areas
Not doing any work is, surprisingly, a lot of work. My hangover was still lingering, and my fingers were exhausted from all the iPhone typing. I decided that the best solution to relieve all the stress of not being stressed was to book myself a massage. I summoned my last bit of thumb-strength left and downloaded Zeel onto my phone. Zeel is an app that brings licensed massage therapists to your door for $99 per massage, or $84 per massage if you join their monthly subscription service. These are highly skilled individuals who BTOMT (Bring Their Own Massage Table) and BTOMH (Bring Their Own Magic Hands).
My massage therapist showed up right on time, set up the massage table in my newly sanitized apartment, and got to work. If you’re worried that your Zeel massage therapist is just gonna be some Marlon Rando who owns a massage table, don’t be. All Zeel therapists are heavily vetted and screened, and all are licensed. It was, to be perfectly honest, the best massage I’ve ever received in my life. When my therapist told me I could play my own music, I felt so empowered I almost played Beyoncé. Upon further consideration, however, I decided that “Formation” might not be the best massage soundtrack and opted for some chill classical. From there, I simply relaxed and let my therapist work miracles on my back. It was an absolute massage game/life-changer.
Chore: Making Dinner
App: Postmates
Available: Over 100 locations across the U.S.
Despite the fact that I had ordered groceries just hours earlier, it seemed in keeping with the spirit of the day to excuse myself from the exhausting task of making dinner. I did a little research, and unfortunately a personal chef was not an option. Kitchensurfing, the Uber for personal chefs, was not available in my city. Also, it seemed like overkill: I had already done nothing today, and to sit on my couch while I watched someone else make dinner for me felt like cruel and unusual laziness. So, I swiped through the apps on my phone until I came across my old friend, Postmates.
Oh, Postmates, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways (and the calories). Postmates allows you to order from nearly any restaurant within a reasonable distance of your house, even places that don’t normally offer delivery. Its team of wonderful delivery elves will go to a restaurant, pick up your order for you, and bring it right to your doorstep. That night, after much deliberation, I settled on my favorite wood-fired pizza joint. I ordered, and not an hour later, there was a delicious personal pizza in front of me. All I had left to do was Netflix and will away the remainder of my hangover. I watched The Hills and gently drifted into a Lauren Conrad-inspired sleep. There are plenty of apps that promise to help you slumber, but thanks to what was possibly the most relaxing and productive day of my life, I could handle sleep all on my own.
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